why cant i just be strong enough for once

my whole life i have been treated like crap. maybe it is about time that i realize that i am a piece of crap. my father. paul. michael.

perhaps the reason why i cannot let go of michael is because i feel like the crap he is giving me is what i deserve. it is what i am used to. it is who i am..

so why am i struggling and arguing for more? for once i am trying to pursue something that exceeds the standards of my own worth, and that is just beyond what i can do and be. why am i trying.

i am not a normal, loving human being. i am jacqueline. i grew up with an abusive father. i grew up with an abusive 'uncle' whom was supposed to be the man that i looked up to as a father.

i am tired of men coming in and out of my life ripping away my trust and heart. but yet.. i am so used to it i can only be so hurt so much and for so long until i am desensitized by it.

i grew up trusting paul. i met him when i was only five years old. he helped our family by escaping and providing financial wealth. i never knew that the man i ended up trusting would be the one who ripped me apart in pieces. as a woman. as a girl. as an individual.

sometimes i just never think about it, because pushing it away has been the best defense mechanism i have ever had. but when i do, it gets me. it makes me stream tears that melt away the person that i have built.

i am nothing but bricks and pieces. its as if for years i have built a jenga tower, and somebody careless whom i have trusted knocked it over knowing my fragility. knowing my young and innocent mind.. how i wish i had that back.

but it is too far now. and i still feel like the very first day it has happened. i have not changed since. ive just pushed it away like ive always have.